If Aids broke in 2020...
If the Aids epidemic broke now, rather than in the 1980s, here’s what the reaction to it might look like:
April 2 Boris Johnson declares that sex is now banned in the UK.
April 3 The government launches its new slogan: ’No how’s your father / Save lives / Protect the NHS’.
April 4 Patrick Vallance says: ‘Don’t get your leg over. It might be the last thing you ever do’.
April 5 It is revealed that the government's decision was heavily influenced by Professor Neil Ferguson's computer modelling on his ZX81 which predicted that 69million British people would die of Aids without intervention. The media fail to point out that the UK's population is just 66.5million.
April 6 All images of people that may lead to sexual arousal are banned, including Scottish Widows adverts, A Place in the Sun presenters and Joe Wicks workouts.
April 7 PornHub is closed by Boris Johnson. Who then reopens it two hours later. ‘Well, Chris Whitty changed his mind after lunch,’ he says.
April 8 Professor Neil Ferguson is forced to resign after he is revealed to have enjoyed a sexual tryst with his married lover.
April 9 New rules come in forbidding the sale of second hand clothing, ‘in case they have been involved in any form of sexual activity’.
April 10 The NHS is rebranded the NAS after it is announced that all other illnesses will not be treated. There is a movement that wishes to ‘clap for the NAS’, but the wording of this is felt to be insensitive.
April 11 Because it proves you’ve had sex, becoming pregnant now risks a £1,000 fine.
April 12 Becoming pregnant now risks a £10,000 fine.
April 13 Becoming pregnant is now punishable by public flogging.
April 14 Nicola Sturgeon declares that all Scottish people will now have to dress head to toe in a sack to prevent the risk of any sexual attraction rising.
April 15 Boris Johnson says that England will not adopt the same policy.
April 16 Boris Johnson says that England will adopt the same policy.
April 17 Jacinda Ardern bans nipples.
April 18 Sadiq Khan makes erections illegal in London.
April 19 Many statues are pulled down throughout the western world - those of naked people, for fear that they will cause arousal. The Statue of David and the Venus de Milo are both dumped into rivers.
April 20 Because of the ongoing Aids pandemic - 0.0002% of the population have now died from it - it is announced that schools will not reopen until 2030, due to the danger of young people becoming attracted to one another and having sex.
April 21 The government changes its position: sex in individual houses is okay, but you must not visit another house to have sex. You can do it in a park but not with other people present.
April 22 Anyone flying in from areas known for their high sexual activity, such as Bangkok and Amsterdam, now have to quarantine for 14 days.
April 23 A local lockdown is imposed in Newcastle Upon Tyne, because 'they just can't stop shagging up there', according to Chris Whitty.
April 24 Although the banning of condoms was previously considered, because they 'encourage' sexual activity, the advice is now that you MUST always wear one. Even when you're not having sex.
April 25 Jacinda Ardern throws anyone into jail who has had sex in the last five years.
April 30 Plans are unveiled to put the entire human race into a state of literal deep freeze because there is a chance that someone, somewhere, might die of something. ‘It’s the only way we can ensure that no one will die of Aids - or anything else,’ a WHO spokesman says.
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